Internship Stories Vol. 2

So its time for another crazy phone line story I have heard on the phone line of my Talk Show internship. On this day we had posted a message looking for survivor stories. So I got a call and the caller told me "yeah I got a survivor story, how many times does it take to get it right!". I paused but finally I asked "huh?". The man then explained that he had cheated death five times. He first got hit by a car, walked away from it. Second he overdosed on cocaine. Third a tornado wiped out his entire street and most of the deaths in that storm where from his street, he lived. Fourth, he survived a night with a 106.4 temperature. But the icing on the cake was his final story. He nonchalantly said "oh yeah I got in a fight with the Grim Reaper". I was perplexed and asked him to elaborate on that story. "Well I was laying on my couch, and you ever seen that movie 'Ghost'?". I replied I had and he continued. "Well it looked like the demons from that movie, I saw death crawling on the ceiling and then it made me feel like I had this extreme pressure in my chest so I feel to the floor". I interrupted again and had to ask "um where you on any kinds of substances when this happened?". He said that he was sober and that he finally got the strength to get to the bathroom where he "puked out half the blood in his body". But it seems that The Grim Reapers super bear-hug of death finishing move couldn't stop this guy! Well that's all I have right now, keep checking back! DERP!!!!

I AM NEVER SEEING A FUCKING COMIC BOOK MOVIE ON OPENING NIGHT AGAIN!!!!

You know I was really looking forward to Superman Returns. I felt that tonight I would have my summer popcorn escapism movie experience. I would get the taste of X3 out of my mouth and see why Bryan Singer had left the project to Brett Ratner hell to create the next great comic book movie (fuck you Singer X-men are way better characters). But, I would soon find out that Comic Book nerds can ruin a fucking movie very easily. To back track lets start at the beginning of the night. I knew it would take me about 20 minutes to get to Times Square on the 1 train so I figured I should leave an hour earily. Upon arrival I see that there is a line already formed outside the Times Square AMC 25 theater. I thought to myself "I guess I will have to wait a little bit to get it eh". So I simple retrived my preordered ticket from the instant ticket machine (thanks Fandango) and decided to get in line. But to my surprise I quickly saw that I was already in over my head. The line was filled with bubbley dorks dressed in full Superman regalia. From Superman tshirts to fucking pajama pants. As well to my suprise I found that the line stretched all around the block to behind the theater. So 15 minutes later when the line finally got me into my seat I was ready, time to see Superman kick some ass. But I would soon find out that all I would be partaking in was a fanboy-dork orgy. So the Spiderman 3 trailer comes on, fucking cheers from everyone, I guess that was cool I mean this audience was pumped, right, wrong it was forshadowing for a bad movie going experience. Then after 10 fucking years of more trailers the movie started. Cheering for the opening marquee that set up the story, seprete cheers for every fucking name on the opening credit. Cheers for producers names, directors names, fucking music composers names (yeah we get it John Williams makes good movie scores)! It was starting to get bad, but it would soon get fucking worse. Every fucking time Superman scratched his nuts the movie would have to be interrupted so dorks in Superman tshirts could orgasam in their fucking pants about how cool that scene was but cheering like it was the climax of the movie. Hey, there is nothing wrong with cheering at a great scene, but every 2 minutes is fucking lame and annoying. I know what some of you are thinking, why do I get to be Ranty McRanterson? Because I paid 10.75 to see a movie, not to hear dorks scream out in extacy everytime there was a inside joke that was from the comics, it was like they had to say "hey I get this inside joke because I am a comic book dork, I better cheer for myself because I am so versed in comic books, who cares if people can't hear the fucking movie because I am better than them, I wish I had a girlfriend". By the end I was so pissed off I stopped getting into the movie because I was already writing this ranted out blog in my head (which was way better worded and funnier in my head at the time but I am tired so I just wanted to get to brass tact or is it brass tack?, whatever). The only time I liked having these annoying chap sessions was when the dorks standed in the ever lame Movie standing ovation so I could exit quickly but not without yelling "MEDICORE!" as loud as I could before leaving. I guess they thought if they stayed and cheered long enough the cast and crew would magically appear and suck them the fuck off! I will never see a comic book movie in the commerical part of a big city again. No more comic book movies in Times Square, Hollywood Blvd. or even Michigan Ave. As for the movie...its no Batman Begins, I mean Superman is too powerful and his weakness of a mineral is lame, he can kick everyones ass without getting scratched so it seeing God throw thunder at crimals for two hours . I guess it is up to Miami Vice to save me from Summer movie hell, I am glad that nerds don't see Michael Mann movies...I think?

Stephen Dorff wants everyone to know that he is a Movie Star!

Damnit my blog is turning into PageSix or the Superficial or something. But anyway I have heard another nugget of celebrity fun. Anyway you might have heard about the fight between Hollywood assholes Jeremy Piven and Stephen Dorff (. They got into a fight in the bar, apparently Stephen Dorff told him something like that Piven was only a TV star and he was a movie star. Well I guess this is not where the story ends as I have found the winner out of battle of the drunk asshole actors. I guess after the fight from my sources Dorff left yelling the same phrase drunk "I am a movie star". He then walked to scores where he yelled it at some strippers before taking one back to his hotel at the Marriott Marquis. The concierge then got a complaint from the room next door saying it sounded like a woman was being killed in there. After checking whose room it was he sighed when he found it to be Dorff's. So he went to the room to try and calm Dorff but again he replied back with "Fuck you, I am a movie star!" and then he slammed the door. So there is another chapter in the Piven-Dorff battle to prove who is the bigger asshole actor. In this industry (and I am on the fringe of it in both of my jobs so I am not trying to act awesome), you hear this silly stories all the time. In face the kid he told me this also told me awesome drunk stores about Jack Bauer (or better known as Kiefer) and also about Kevin Spacey being a totally gay pimp on the set of Superman. But, my guestion is why do we care? Should we care if Stephen Dorff is a drunk asshole, I mean don't we know enougth drunk assholes in real life and in fact are a Drunk asshole sometimes? Why are we such a celebrity culture that so many of these blogs pop up giving the 411 (hahah not a trendy saying anymore) on what celebrity they saw drunk, coked up, or litterally being gay at a bar last night. We'll I have no answer for you I just wanted to led this posting into something philosphoic about American's facinitation with celebrity. I basically just wanted to spice up this lame ass posting. Derp

Oh yeah I forgot

I also saw the first lady Laura Bush like a week ago going into a Hotel. Yup these two stories pretty much suck!

Today in Times Square I saw two celebrities on other sides of the celebrity spectrum.

Today I saw two celebirties or is it celebrities? I am to tired to spell check so whatever yu git tha pointe. I first saw Farnsworth Bentley the dorky assisant to P Diddy (sort of like a Uncle Tom who wears a lot of Ralph Lauren to put it bluntly), oh wait its Diddy now, hey why not just go as Sean Combs? Its not like your a good rapper or anything. He also was in the outkast video and is I guess a fashion icon. He has no talent but he is famous. On the other hand hours later I saw Paul Giamatti from "Sideways", "Cinderella Man", and of course he was "Pig Vomit" in the Howard Stern movie. He is a really good actor and I actually did give him props with the most sterotypical line "I love your work" (you see, some of you might think I am a hater because of the Howie Day story, but I give respect where it is due). Well thats about it, nothing else cool about this story.

I went to the "Church" of Scientology not sober. And FUCK that place because its a FUCKING CULT!

It was a rainy Thursday Afternoon. I had not started my side job for The Comedy Club yet so I decided to make it a exploration day. Looking through the pockets of my jeans, I found some Dianetics card some cocksucker from the cult of Scientology had given to me in Times Square. I believe I yelled hail Xenu when he gave it to me (I won't go into detail of the main secret beliefs of scientlogy, basically they believe in aliens and shit but check this out http://historyofscientology.ytmnd.com/ or watch the South Park Episode that Tom Cruise got pulled because he sucks at life its called "Trapped In the Closet"). So I decided to check it out, but not before getting (edited). So after that I went to the "Church" which is located in Times Square as well. The thing said I could view a free 15 minute movie and anything free in New York is a rareity. Upon arrival, I told them my name was Josh Wheeler and they told me to wait until I could view the movie. So I sat in the lobby and viewed some little promo playing on the TVs in the waiting center, of course it was a movie talking about how good of a person Tom Cruise was. So some frazzy haired girl (who was raised from birth in this cult, I felt sorry for her) finally came and took me into a room with a screen and started the movie. Now I could have just said FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAGS, HAIL XENU and ran out like a dork, but I played it cool. I watched the movie and it was a lesson in Dianetics which in itself is a pseudoscience. Basically it says we have a "reactive mind" and that if we have a bad experience we record bad information that is released when we have fear. For example in the movie it had a scene of a baseball game. In it the batter gets hit with a pitch and is knocked out. The pitcher runs to him and gets in his face and the next guy up to bat does as well. While close to him the teammate starts yelling at the pitcher and says "why don't you watch what your doing...get outta here!" So in this bullshit science they say the reactive mind recorded that phrase. The scene then cuts to 5 years later as the guy who got hit is playing catch with his son. In it his son asks to pitch one to him so the dad picks up his bat, but not before rubing his head to tell us viewer that trouble laid ahead (wow forshadowing!). So of course the kid throws a wild pitch and it hits the picnic table next to the dad who was up to bat. According to the fake science of Dianetics his reactive mind took over and he for no reason yelled "why don't you watch whatt your doing...get outta here!" to his son because thats what he heard when he got knocked out. The son walks alway with a cliqued throwing down of his mit (I thought Scientology had their mouth on Hollywood's cock, this was the best movie they could make?). So the movie goes on to ask "are you always in fear", "do you sometimes feel ugly", "do you feel lonely in big cities", "do you use drugs and alcohol?" and so on basically trying to prey on people who are at weak moments in their life (like all CULTS do). After getting a good laugh from the movie she came back in and gave me a stupid survey and then she for 15 mintues tried to get me to buy Dianetics, I just wanted to waste her time so she didn't have more time today to talk to people who buy into this crap. After me saying some bullshit backstory about myself she told me "you seem to have problems with rationships, you seem to be shooting blindly and Dianetics can lead me to have the tools to shoot straight". But I just replied "actually I think shooting blindly is what makes life exciting", she got more annoyed as I disagreed with everything she said in a nice manner and would not get around to buying the greatest fucking book ever in her opinion. Finally, I bugged her enough to let me do a stress test. If you have seen these things they are called emeters (here is a picture of Scientology dbag John Travolta doing a stress test). Some dork with a New York accent made me hold those stupid little alliuminum tubes with strings (basically it looks like one of those crappy telephones you would make with tin cans). He told me to think about something that stressed me out, so I thought about dolphins. Not because they stressed me out, but because I knew this was a fucking scam too. Sure enough my stress went off the charts. Oh yeah and before I go on any more this guy told me he had a resturant in Indiana called "Goodfellas", I guess he thought us in the midwest would think it was all cool because he made it and he is from New York and he must be in the Mafia (typically retarded East Coast person who has no clue about the Midwest, MW WHAT!!), if you ever see a resturant in Indiana called Goodfellas make sure to go there and eat and then run and without paying the bill. Call it karma for all the money that scientology has robbed from people. So anyway I was getting bored and they were getting fed up with me so I lied and told them I had to use the ATM so I can give them a lot of money for their awesome books. Basically it was a funny experience because anyone with half a brain could see the scam a mile away. Before you say that I should respect peoples beliefs I want you to check out some websites. Here is the UNFUNNY truth about this bullshit cult (http://theunfunnytruth.ytmnd.com/). Also check out (http://www.scientology-kills.org/) and (http://www.xenu.net/) if you need reasons why this place is not tight and is dangerous. It comes down to this quote by the creator Ron L. Hubbard (a science fiction writer before he became god to Tom Cruise)
"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion." - Ron L. Hubbard (a complete penis)

Also P.S.
TOM CRUISE AND JOHN TRAVOLTA ARE GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (AND I MEAN GAY AS IN THEY LIKE PENIS AND NOT VAGINA!!!)

Internship Bonus Story

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/08/25/AR2005082501806_pf.html

I talked to Phil Busch on the phone. He is from this controversy over Pat Robertson making money off the 700 club. (A TV televangalist doing something corrupt, NO WAYZZZZ?!!?!? hahah). Mr. Busch wanted to get his story out and it was kind of cool to hear something that was not bull shit. I tried to help the guy but unfortunately my show's audience is probably too stupid to care about stuff like this. It's not anything awesome but it was something different from talking to Takishas all day. And Busch also told me he has already one three different law suits by himself. Good for this guy I guess and here ya go buddy I told ya I would get your story out some how!

Internship Stories Vol. 1

As you might know, for my internship I work the 1-800 phone line for a popular American syndicated talk show. Because of the whole blog about your job and get in trouble thing I will not say the name, but anyone reading this blog should know what show I work for (again the simple hint of "you are not the father"). So all the crazy people out there that want to be on the show talk to me. Let me give you a rundown of some of the more memorable calls I have recieved in the two weeks I have worked there.

Story 1: This Story left me numb
A white middle aged southern gentleman (redneck) called in to apply for a lie dectector test show. His girlfriend has accused him of being a cheating bastard and he wanted to prove his innocence. The reason she blamed him for this was because she was sucking his cock and her mouth went numb. She then said that the only reason for was this because he had used a condom right before arriving at her house and he must have been with another woman. The man claimed that his side of the story was that he had been "playing wit himself...jeez this is embarrasing...I was using a lube/cream that I hadn't used before and it was why she went numb". I hope this makes it to the show somehow.

Story 2: Underage Hookers trapped in underground Las Vegas
A woman called in to tell me that we needed to expose a terrible problem in Las Vegas. I was informed by this woman that underage child prostitutes were being held against their will in tunnels underground in Las Vegas. And these evil businessmen who were doing it would bring them up for a trick and force them back in to their underground prison when the deed was done. I was shocked to hear this and did remember the line "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" but I had to inform her that we usually don't do that story.

Story 3: 12 Year olds don't know how to prank call.
When I was a Jr high or even High School student, I was a masterful artist in the craft of making prank calls. Growing up listening to the works of The Jerky Boys, I knew the method and madness to the art. But these kids today don't know shit. Half of my calls at the show go like this...
caller: Hi is this the (name removed) Show?
me: Yes it is.
caller: I WANT TO SUCK YOUR DICK

or

Caller: Hi is this the (name removed) Show?
me: yup whats your story?
Caller: YOUR A FAG!!!!!!!

Kids listen, prank calling is a art. You need to have a well defined backstory and character (usually some sort of ethnic sterotype) and the call has to go somewhere. Kids today have no creativity (fuck you MTV). But at the same time I love these calls because they don't expect to hear someone say

Caller: (insert 13 year old comment)
Me: Well thats great and all, but not only did that suck as a prank call, but you just committed Ethnics Code 13, a mistmeanor in the state of New York and your phone number has been forwarded to the FBI.
Caller:awww...please I am sorry...goodbye
(AND THEN ME LAUGHS A LOT W/ MANY LOL'S)

So basically what I am saying is this is the best internship I have had, well its only the second but it beats last summer working for Dane Cook (his new material is mediocre and he is not funny in movies).

More Updates to come!

I partied with Howie Day, then proceded to tell him to "go fuck himself" because I blacked out!

Usually I am not one to be proud of a black-out. I know many who strive for this level of retardedness every night, but I am a dude who likes to have somewhat control of himself throughout the night. But for me when I do black-out, I like to go all out and perfrom acts of awesomely awesome stupidity! It all started last Friday night, we started in the Meat-Packing district but after getting there by Midnight we did not feel like purchasing a 300 dollar bottle of Grey Goose, just to get into a club. So we headed to Merc-Bar in Soho and then finally to B Bar in the East Village. B Bar is always a good time and by the time that we arrived there due to the fact that it was one of my fellow Summer Intern friends 21st we had already been getting awesome for an hour. A few more White Russians and jager bombs later and for reasons beyond me I all the sudden found myself in converstation with Howie Day. I knew he had played IU a few times and I had viewed one of his videos probabley on VH1 but other than that not really a fan. He seemed alright as we talked about The Video Saloon and other IU hot spots. He seemed like a decent dude and I even told him straight up that I wasn't a fan of his work but it would be cool to throw some back and talk about IU and shit, whatever I was hammered. So I decided to go have another awesomely priced 8 dollar shot of jager which put me over the edge. I walked back to the converstation which as I returned I heard Howie mention Dane Cook. Being that I worked for Dane Cook in LA last summer I thought I would ask he if knew the people that worked around him. Too my account and I swear Howie looked at me as if he wanted to say "hey little fan I already gave you Howie-time now fuck off". Because I had to leave in the next ten anyway I decided this would be a good segway to leave. So I got in Howie's face and basically told him in a stern but fair voice "hey man, whatever go fuck youself" and proceeded to exit. Already laughing to myself outside because I did it half joking, I recieved a cell phone call, but this is when I felt a tug on my shirt. Great, now I was going to have to try and fight a crappy VH1 rock star type in a parking lot. But to my surpirse it was his 19 year old psycho girlfriend who got in my face and started quizing me on why I had done such a thing to a Brillant musican like Howie Day. I simple told her to "fuck off, I am on the phone" and then got in a cab and that was that. The next day I woke up to find the sitution very funny, after touching base with the rest of friends who were there last night, apparently Howie was very confused and asked them all night why I told him to "go fuck himself". But before you rule me out as the bad guy, they as well agreed with my blacked out character judgement (and the judgement was Douchebag) so they too enjoyed the specticle and all was well in The Five Burrows. The moral of the story is that there is no moral of the story, maybe Howie day didn't get all Hollywood and blow me off but I believe he still did. And maybe a "go fuck yourself" was just what he needed at that time. But when it comes done to it I am glad I did it, and you know why? Seriously, have you heard Howie Day's music...fuck that guy.