I went to the "Church" of Scientology not sober. And FUCK that place because its a FUCKING CULT!

It was a rainy Thursday Afternoon. I had not started my side job for The Comedy Club yet so I decided to make it a exploration day. Looking through the pockets of my jeans, I found some Dianetics card some cocksucker from the cult of Scientology had given to me in Times Square. I believe I yelled hail Xenu when he gave it to me (I won't go into detail of the main secret beliefs of scientlogy, basically they believe in aliens and shit but check this out http://historyofscientology.ytmnd.com/ or watch the South Park Episode that Tom Cruise got pulled because he sucks at life its called "Trapped In the Closet"). So I decided to check it out, but not before getting (edited). So after that I went to the "Church" which is located in Times Square as well. The thing said I could view a free 15 minute movie and anything free in New York is a rareity. Upon arrival, I told them my name was Josh Wheeler and they told me to wait until I could view the movie. So I sat in the lobby and viewed some little promo playing on the TVs in the waiting center, of course it was a movie talking about how good of a person Tom Cruise was. So some frazzy haired girl (who was raised from birth in this cult, I felt sorry for her) finally came and took me into a room with a screen and started the movie. Now I could have just said FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAGS, HAIL XENU and ran out like a dork, but I played it cool. I watched the movie and it was a lesson in Dianetics which in itself is a pseudoscience. Basically it says we have a "reactive mind" and that if we have a bad experience we record bad information that is released when we have fear. For example in the movie it had a scene of a baseball game. In it the batter gets hit with a pitch and is knocked out. The pitcher runs to him and gets in his face and the next guy up to bat does as well. While close to him the teammate starts yelling at the pitcher and says "why don't you watch what your doing...get outta here!" So in this bullshit science they say the reactive mind recorded that phrase. The scene then cuts to 5 years later as the guy who got hit is playing catch with his son. In it his son asks to pitch one to him so the dad picks up his bat, but not before rubing his head to tell us viewer that trouble laid ahead (wow forshadowing!). So of course the kid throws a wild pitch and it hits the picnic table next to the dad who was up to bat. According to the fake science of Dianetics his reactive mind took over and he for no reason yelled "why don't you watch whatt your doing...get outta here!" to his son because thats what he heard when he got knocked out. The son walks alway with a cliqued throwing down of his mit (I thought Scientology had their mouth on Hollywood's cock, this was the best movie they could make?). So the movie goes on to ask "are you always in fear", "do you sometimes feel ugly", "do you feel lonely in big cities", "do you use drugs and alcohol?" and so on basically trying to prey on people who are at weak moments in their life (like all CULTS do). After getting a good laugh from the movie she came back in and gave me a stupid survey and then she for 15 mintues tried to get me to buy Dianetics, I just wanted to waste her time so she didn't have more time today to talk to people who buy into this crap. After me saying some bullshit backstory about myself she told me "you seem to have problems with rationships, you seem to be shooting blindly and Dianetics can lead me to have the tools to shoot straight". But I just replied "actually I think shooting blindly is what makes life exciting", she got more annoyed as I disagreed with everything she said in a nice manner and would not get around to buying the greatest fucking book ever in her opinion. Finally, I bugged her enough to let me do a stress test. If you have seen these things they are called emeters (here is a picture of Scientology dbag John Travolta doing a stress test). Some dork with a New York accent made me hold those stupid little alliuminum tubes with strings (basically it looks like one of those crappy telephones you would make with tin cans). He told me to think about something that stressed me out, so I thought about dolphins. Not because they stressed me out, but because I knew this was a fucking scam too. Sure enough my stress went off the charts. Oh yeah and before I go on any more this guy told me he had a resturant in Indiana called "Goodfellas", I guess he thought us in the midwest would think it was all cool because he made it and he is from New York and he must be in the Mafia (typically retarded East Coast person who has no clue about the Midwest, MW WHAT!!), if you ever see a resturant in Indiana called Goodfellas make sure to go there and eat and then run and without paying the bill. Call it karma for all the money that scientology has robbed from people. So anyway I was getting bored and they were getting fed up with me so I lied and told them I had to use the ATM so I can give them a lot of money for their awesome books. Basically it was a funny experience because anyone with half a brain could see the scam a mile away. Before you say that I should respect peoples beliefs I want you to check out some websites. Here is the UNFUNNY truth about this bullshit cult (http://theunfunnytruth.ytmnd.com/). Also check out (http://www.scientology-kills.org/) and (http://www.xenu.net/) if you need reasons why this place is not tight and is dangerous. It comes down to this quote by the creator Ron L. Hubbard (a science fiction writer before he became god to Tom Cruise)
"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion." - Ron L. Hubbard (a complete penis)

Also P.S.
TOM CRUISE AND JOHN TRAVOLTA ARE GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (AND I MEAN GAY AS IN THEY LIKE PENIS AND NOT VAGINA!!!)